Why real bakers hate cupcakes.

I'll admit it, they are cute. Who doesn't love pealing back the paper that clings to the fine crumbs to find a perfectly moist cupcake? I like to poke my finger at it, not too soft, not too hard, just the right balance of flex and firm. Then comes the mound of cream swirled in a heap, if you are lucky there is a coating of sprinkles. If you are really lucky, the frosting is colored. One bite, then two and suddenly you are staring straight into the last bit. Here is where the anger sets in that the experience will soon be over. Rarely is a person satisfied by one cupcake. Perhaps I've gotten the entire demographic of the world confused, but I doubt it. So you are forced with a terrible decision. Do you fake satisfaction and restrain yourself or Do you wait until your husband leaves the room and shove a second cupcake into your mouth all at once as not to be caught before he returns. If he notices another cupcake is gone surely you can just blame it on one of the children.

Cupcakes are ruining good peoples lives. The cupcake trend is a bubble that has blown so big, it is on the verge of popping. I can imagine tomorrows headline, "Innocent bystanders attacked without warning, Cupcake to blame." So how do we grab hold of the situation before it is too late? Sadly I fear there is no stopping this monster. People are lazy. Yes, I said it. Why wouldn't you want someone to bake a perfectly good array of tasty little cupcakes with endless flavor combination's ready for the picking? What is meant to be one little indulgence becomes two or three cupcakes, just a backup should something fail with the first or second. Some even find themselves carrying a box full back to an empty apartment tricking themselves into thinking they will take the leftovers into the office the next day.

Cupcakes instill greed in people, just like iphones. The power of a small hand held diddly bought to reward ourselves, soon become a toxic bind we cannot live without. Some have found themselves standing in a line that wraps around a street corner just hoping to get a taste of their crack-cakes. We think ill thoughts about the person ordering in line in front of us, noticing there is only one of our favorite cupcakes left in the case. Thoughts of bodily harm come to mind as the fat cow in front of us has bought a whole dozen and then points to your cupcake and says,"Why not just throw that little lonely thing in the box too." You know it's against the law to beat someone in public for taking your cupcake but somehow you can see how a judge and jury would sympathize with you. You raise up your handbag to strike the woman in front of you when you notice a fresh tray of your favorite cupcakes coming out from the kitchen. The woman turns around to leave and sees you perched with your handbag over head. "Ahhh... just stretching", you say. "Been waiting in line a long time. Have a nice day!"

It is this kind of looming insanity that brings me to the conclusion that this must be stopped! No more cupcakes. Down with the cupcake! Instead I propose we bring back a long forgotten sister of the cupcake. Standing patiently in the sidelines as Brides everywhere are saying, "You know what I was thinking?... How awesome would cupcakes be for my Wedding!" Let's ban together to increase IQ's across the nation and reveal the truth. Cupcakes must go! Once these terribly delicious cuties have rid the planet, we will all sleep better at night. Awaking to a new day when the Layered Cake will dawn with a shining bright light once more. The concept is fool proof with a wide variety of sizes available, one can simply cut away at its perfect roundness to accommodate the hungry appetite however large or small. The Layered cake will restore peace to world as it creates a sense of community in sharing its velvety tenderness with others. A complexity that cannot be achieved in a single serving size monstrosity, a Layered Cake is capable of achieving a new dawn of palates sensitized to heightened awareness of the limitless ability to enjoy oneself in a manner that does not create discord amongst our fellow man. Created with skill and balance, for all to cherish and enjoy... The Layered Cake of peace, a piece of Layered Cake.




Just to clarify, this blog was in no way prompted by the fact that my husband brought home a dozen mini cupcakes tonight per my request from Walmart no less. I will not in anyway admit to having consumed 4 without noticing I had unwrapped anything. It simply did not happen. I also did not just scream in horror as I realized the kids had eaten the last mini cupcake.

Thank goodness they can't reach the chicken wings.